Hilariously horrible official Hello! Project English covers

So if you didn't know, in 2001 during the height of Morning Musume's (and Hello! Project's) popularity, an English cover album was released to the public. It probably should not have been.

I don't know who thought this would be a good idea, but it happened (twice) nonetheless.

For whatever reason, I have decided to sit down and listen to these songs again (I listened to them a couple of years back when I first got into H!P and remember not being able to finish) and review them.

If you are feeling masochistic then you can click on each song title to listen to them on Youtube.

1. Dance Site by Denice Williams
Do note that the songs were given "new" English names, but you can usually tell which songs they are. This is Koi no Dance Site.

This song is actually a decent way to start things off. If I didn't know the original song, I probably wouldn't be angry. But Denice's reinterpretation is a bit too.. serious? Like the original is all playful and stuff, but this seems like a serious R&B track. Which, again, would be fine if it were a song by itself. The only problem is that it's not.

And the random Japanese inserted into the song is kinda funny. It's all ~seriousenglish seriousenglish WAI YAI YAI seriousenglish~ Also the ending was kinda creepy
4/10



2.  Hold on Me! by Debbie Ffrench

Oh hey this song doesn't completely suck. Debbie brings a R&B dance feel to the song which actually works. I don't even like the original (Daite Hold on Me), but I almost almost like this cover. Good job Debbie. I would put this song on my iPod, but I'm sure I'd never voluntarily listen to it. And if it came up during shuffle, I would wonder why I ever added it in the first place. 5/10

3. Peace! By Cindy Braggs

Just when this album had hope, this song comes up. The instrumental and beat is mostly fine, but I can't help but get the same feel that I get when I listen to an amateur on Youtube doing an English cover of a Japanese song. This is another case of me knowing the original way too well for something like this to work. It just feels unnatural. I guess I can't really fault Cindy for that. She sings it well enough I guess. 3/10

4. Summer Rainbow by T.A.M.K.

This horrible cover is supposed to be Summer Reggae Rainbow. I.. I don't even know what to say. First of all, who the heck is T.A.M.K.? Googling them (her?) didn't bring up anything close. About the song, well, I don't even know where to start. Yes, I know the song has "reggae" in it (which they ironically removed from the English title), but it absolutely does not work. And near the end, two of the artists start whispering in my ear. I can't believe I listened to the whole thing. 1/10

5. Endless Summer by Tara McDonald

For once they actually (mostly) used the original instrumental. Bonus points for that. This is a cover of Manatsu no Kousen. I get similar vibes from this as I did with Peace! (feels amateur Youtube-ish), but after listening to Summer Rainbow, this sounds amazing.

As the song goes along, I continued to think that keeping the original sound in tact really does this cover some favors. It also doesn't make my ears bleed to listen, which is more than most of the songs on this album can say. Also, Tara is a pretty good singer. I daresay I actually enjoyed listening to this one. Could this album be improving? 6/10

6. A Red Diary by Kuk Harrell

Also known as Akai Nikkichou in Japanese.

So we have our first male soloist. Yay? No. Not yay. Literally from the first note I screamed "WHY?!" This guy is ruining one of the best H!P songs of all time. Seriously, listen to this and then listen to A Red Diary. It's not even close. And why did they change the intro anyway? The Japanese version's intro was in English for goodness sake. To make matters worse, this cover is over 5 minutes. Truly torture. If I had to describe this song in one word it would be "corny". I will be happy if I never have to hear this song ever again.

Also, I did some quick research on the singer and apparently he produced hit songs like Umbrella and Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It). Good for him because those songs are pretty awesome. However, that doesn't change how much this cover sucks. 1/10

7. I Wish by Vanessa Williams

I Wish is one of my favorite Morning Musume songs of all time so I wanted to be tough on this one. I really did. But the combination of Vanessa's pure voice and lyrics that actually fit makes this a pretty decent cover. I mean it's no where near the original, but I can't fault her for that. The original song has a really nice, simple melody and thankfully they didn't mess with it. Again, I don't feel the urge to add it to my iPod, but I honestly enjoyed listening to all six and a half (!) minutes of it. 7/10

8. Love Machine by Debbie Ffrench

Oh hey Debbie is back. Hold on Me wasn't horrible so why not? This cover gives me mixed feelings. They left in the original English phrases from the song, which works occasionally. They also changed a couple of them: from "dancing all of the night" to "dancing all through the night" which was a nice, albeit small change. But from there it gets worse. I'm tired of Love Machine because I've heard the Japanese version what seems like hundreds of times by now, but it only takes one listen of this cover to make me want to stay away for good. 4/10

9. Love Revolution 21 by Danna McAfee

This cover's opening line set the tone for the whole song. "Okay I'm not a rapper, but I have something to say!" Here we go again.

Shortly thereafter, Danna begins to rap pretty horribly. I guess that's why she had a disclaimer at the beginning. Thankfully she sings better than she raps, but that isn't saying much. The original feel of the song is kept, which is this cover's only saving grace.

Half-way through the song the lyrics just repeat "super-duper feelin' fine" and I just had to facepalm. Near the end of the song they do it again. Twice. Please make it stop. To their credit, the Japanese lyrics are "chou chou ii kanji", which doesn't leave much room for interpretation. But still, they picked one of the worst possible translations. 2/10

10. Morning Coffee by Shakatak

The first minute is nothing but instrumental and sounds like Morning Coffee Elevator Music Ver. Not sure how I feel about that. Soon the actual singing begins and it's not too bad.. but it lasted all but 20 seconds. Then we're back to Morning Coffee elevator music without any singing. This is a really weird arrangement; it's like they came up with a plan on how to sing the least for this song (which isn't a terrible idea considering how the other covers went). The original song is Abe feat. Morning Musume but they somehow did the opposite here and it's A Bunch of Instruments feat. some random R&B singers.

I honestly don't know how to rate this cover because, well, I can't even call it a cover. Of the five minutes that this song lasts, they sing for no more than a minute and a half. And they say the same thing over and over again. Do not want. 2/10

11. Summer Night Town by Debbie Ffrench

Third time's a charm, right? After what I've had to listen to to get to this song I became pessimistic, but Debbie delivers here. The instrumental, the lyrics, everything is done right. I really love the pacing - the English lyrics fit in well with the beat, which is a welcome change. Honestly the only negative I can come up with this song is that it's too short. It's the shortest one on the album. Sad. 8/10

12. Memories by Tonya Kelly

The last song on this album is a cover of Memory Seishun no Hikari. Dare I say this song has an epic feel to it. I don't know what it is, but it just has a different feel from the other songs. The one thing that holds this song back is that it sounds dated.. like it was recorded in the 90s. Yes, I know that the original song actually was, but I think this cover would have sounded better if it were more current. It's also sung way too slowly. The original is ballad, but this cover is somehow even slower. 6/10

This post probably sounded really angry but that's because this is exhibit A on why Japanese songs really should never ever be covered into English. There are just so many hurdles to overcome that when a half-decent cover comes around, it still doesn't even come close to the original because of the huge differences between the languages. If you know the original Japanese versions, they you become spoiled and any attempt to localize a song becomes amusing at best. I wouldn't come close to recommending anyone buy this album, but it's certainly worth a listen for the lulz.